Guest in Jest #9 Jessica Bakkers

 

G’day, I’m Jess from Down Under and I decided to write this whole post in ‘Strayan (that’s Australian).

Youse blokes reckon we speak English down here but you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, mate. Down under we speak ‘Strayan. When the pommes and yanks come over for holidays they look at us like we’re batshit crazy when we open our mouths. Probably because they only understand one word in ten but also because we let rip with a few ‘bloody oaths’… and worse! See, swearing down under isn’t quite the nasty it is overseas. Two mates will often refer to one another affectionately as “Aw, you sick c**t”. And if we’re unsure of something, we quite happily proclaim “Buggered if I know!” Even when we’re trying to be polite, swearing just pops into the Aussie drawl… “I’m busy as a blue-arsed fly today.”

But, no worries mate, we might be a bit feral but our blood’s worth bottling. If your car carks it on the side of the road we wouldn’t leave you stranded on the footpath with buckley’s chance of getting home, no way! We’d pull up in the ute, stick Bluey in the back and offer you a ride to the local pub. And if we can get mates rates we’ll talk Johnno the mechanic into giving you a fair go to fix your ride. We’re heaps helpful that way. And don’t worry about Johnno, he might seem iffy but he’s pretty ridgy-didge and he reckons fixing up old cars is a piece of piss anyway.

But until you’re right again we’d offer you a pozzy at our place and put on a barbie. You don’t have to bring a plate seeing as you’re a blow in, but it’d be grouse if you give our beer a burl; stick the VB up your bum and go for Boags. And at the end of the night when you’re chocka block, on the turps and the party’s going off, if you see a sheila and or a bloke you fancy we’ll even help you shack up and won’t tell no furphy’s tomorrow! Pig’s arse!

So come on down under and give ‘Straya a fair go. You’ll be stoked you did.

———————————————————————————-

My self-titled blog is a mixture of short stories, poetry and weird musings. As you can tell, I’m hardly ever serious (except when I am) and I love to laugh. Please drop by and say G’day.

https://jessicabakkers.com/

***************************************************

Please join us in our Guest of Jest series.

Here are the rules:

1. Tell us a bit about yourself, including where you are from.
2. Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.
3. Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.
4. Pictures optional, but encouraged.
5. The post can be one that has been posted before.

The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

Just email Linda at mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com with a submission and you will be scheduled for publication in order of submission.  This series will run every Friday on mainepaperpusher.wordpress.com 

 

The featured image was created by Silas at  My weird, crazy and mundane life Journal