Unhinged

My blog has always been a way for me to spread a little humor.  This is not going to be that type of post.  Just warning you.  There are no smiles here.

Almost anyone who knows me knows that I am a dog person.  I’m very much a Great Dane person and that is because of my dog Levi.  Levi was truly the best dog ever and I had to say goodbye to him today.  There are no words that describe the love we had for each other.  I’ve had many other dogs, but none like him.

I knew that this time would come and that I would come unhinged.  So here I am…unhinged. I’m not writing this because I’m looking for sympathy or RIPs.  I just wanted to let my WP family know I’ll probably be absent for a while as I heal.  You never know, I might do exactly the opposite and post like crazy.  Like I said, I’m unhinged so I could swing any which way.  I really don’t know how to deal with this grief.  This is hitting me harder than saying goodbye to many of the people I’ve lost in my life.  Our bond was and is that strong.

I think of Roda and her Velvet.  I think of Jay and his Ryder.  And now it’s me and my Levi.  There has been a lot of mourning lately.  Someday I’ll tell some Levi stories, but not today.  Today I let the pain wash over me and take me where it will.

 

001 (2013_02_23 22_24_41 UTC)lots of levi 042 (2013_02_23 22_24_41 UTC)IMG_4201

 

IMG_4248

Advertisements

Guest in Jest #32 The Arty Plantsman

Please welcome this week’s guest:  The Arty Plantsman

 

Health Warning -Yawning is bad for you.

One Friday night in the late 80s:

We have guests one evening, old school friends, we are meeting them again the next day for an early train to Blackpool.

Anyway. Much wine is consumed and we are all rather tipsy by the time our friends set off home at midnight. I decide coffee is in order so fill the kettle. I yawn during the process and:

CLICK! My jaw dislocates under my right ear. I can not close my mouth or get the jaw back in and it is pointing off to the left at a rather jaunty angle.

Being drunk I initially think this hilarious of course. Then the pain from the stretched muscles and tendons starts. We are both too drunk to drive to the hospital so call a taxi.

Club closing time on Friday night, high demand for taxis. We wait almost an hour. I am seriously hurting by this time. The taxi takes us straight to the hospital.

The A&E (ER) doctor tries to push the jaw back in.

No luck.

A nurse tries.

No luck.

They inject me with muscle relaxants and both try again.

No luck

Then at 2:30 am they hit upon the idea of calling a dentist as this quite often happens when people open wide in the dentist chair.

3 am. I am slouched in a chair facing the door, both drunk and now full of muscle relaxants – picture a four-limbed jellyfish. The door slides open and this huge woman walks in. Apparently she is the dentist (presumably she is a shotputter for the Soviet Olympic team in her spare time). She approaches me with a determined expression.

I try to sink into my seat or beg for mercy (“take me home Susan, I can live with the dislocation, honest, just don’t let her near me”). Unfortunately it comes out as “wurblewurblewurble”.

 The dentist puts one thumb in my mouth and puts the jaw back in a second with hardly any effort at all!

4am. We get home and fall into bed.

7am. We meet our friends at the railway station. They look at us askance and announce that we look like we have the worst hangover EVER.

To this day I hold my jaw with my hand if I yawn!

Guest in Jest Guest and Weekly Request

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guest is  The Arty Plantsman

 

 

THIS IS WHERE I START MY SHAMELESS BEGGING:

 

Please join us in our Guest in Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

 

 The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

 

 

The featured image was created by Silas at  My weird, crazy and mundane life Journal 

Guest Post: Article 19.1.a

This was originally submitted to be a Guest in Jest post but I thought it was a beautiful travelogue and would make an ideal Guest post in its own right.  Please welcome Ayesha from Article 19.1.a

 

Do the Math!

As a child I must have been the most obedient one in the class, almost close to the most classical definitions of obedience. And quite contrary to the popular choice of subjects, I loved Maths. While my fellow friends would play with Barbie(and all the other doll games) I yearned for someone to play chess with me.

For a very long time I kept trying to understand myself until I found an answer which fitted most of my anxious queries. I realised I love asymmetry. Not just in the form of Mathematics but in real life too. Presumingly that’s also the reason why my “Roti’s” would never be round.(Because who said they have to be round? Also,why can’t we appreciate it if it’s the shape of Uganda? I never really understood.)

So I feel really comfortable saying – I was born at 25(that’s late I agree,but atleast I know it now,good thing right?)

Asymmetry to me is freedom to see/do things I the way I want to.

This post is more about how I experienced asymmetry when I recently visited a very beautiful Hill Station- Darjeeling,seated in the Himalayas and how the people there reciprocate it in the most beautiful ways possible.

First things first, it is located at an altitude of 6700ft and for obvious reasons the roads that lead to the town define freedom, because in my idea,at that altitude you really cannot have Nature in control. The roads are smitten with frost and icicles (My car did a 360° turn and like,by a fraction of luck got itself saved from plunging into the valley beneath), there’s no prescribed formula (which symmetrical designs have) to prevent mishaps per se. But humans are intelligent beings nevertheless. You’d be taken by surprise when you see very beautiful constructions all along the slopes like the ones in the pictures below..


I have to give y’all a glimpse of the sunrise at Tiger Hill. It’s the place from where one can see the sunrise along with the reflection of the orangish hue of the Sun’s rays on the peak of Mt.Kanchenjunga(3rd highest peak in the world).

Putting my thoughts into perspective, asymmetry also translates to unexpected things/behaviour which do not follow a specified format/route, that makes you stop and ponder upon atleast for a moment. This place reverberates all of this and more. I was wandering about in this locality known as Mall Road when I came across a corn seller. She was stylishly dressed with a perfect hairdo in place. People there wear just about any combination of clothes and manage to look drop dead gorgeous. Our conversation revealed how they love to do what they do in the professional front. They believe more in the Happiness quotient than in money. People there take up Mountaineering, paragliding, river rafting, etc..as preferred vocations.

Darjeeling is also known for its steam engine hauled Toy Train ride as it is a UNESCO world heritage site which still maintains the narrow gauge railway line for tourists to have a feel of the age old whistling sound of the steam engine.


Asymmetry could also mean positivity, more of a hope that things which do not fit intrinsically into the society,mindset might have a chance of becoming acceptable.

Just like a wise man says – “We have too much feudal programming that we need to delete..Perhaps one can be cautiously optimistic when a new generation takes to the streets, asking hard questions without fear, and perhaps one can add to that when — at the other end of the power spectrum — people steeped in the culture of obeying themselves feel obliged to step out of line and join in the questioning.”

If you’re reading this post and you’ve had similar questions in your head, do tell me your experiences in the comment section!

Here’s to all those who love the idea of asymmetry!

Cheers!!

P.S. Roti is an Indian bread which is meant to look like this.. 😜

2/9 Guest in Jest #31 Afterwards

download
This was originally posted on Michael’s blog Afterwards
It’s a bit on the racy side so be warned.  Racy or not, it had me laughing so hard I cried.  His poor wife…

MORE TEA VICAR ?


I have written on the matter of tea twice already this week, and as a proud Englishman and Yorkshireman I believe that it is a subject worth revisiting.

Not that I am particularly fond of the stuff, I am not.  But seeing the daily prompt I was reminded of something of a running battle that has raged in our house for a number of years now.

I should warn that should you read further you could find my post a little inappropriate, though that could also be down to you.  I am not one to judge.

My wife insists on insisting, much to my frustration, that on a hot day a nice cup of tea will cool one down.  Now before you rush off to Google to see whether it has a voice on the matter I will confess that any answers it may provide could possibly be construed as confirming that fact.  There are posts on the science of heating one’s core to trigger the bodies natural cooling mechanisms.

I do not care one jot what Google says on the matter, if you are drinking a scalding cup of anything on a boiling hot day it will inevitably make you feel somewhat sweatier than a nice pinacolada will.

Despite pointing that out to her, the merest mention of sunshine and she is ready to trot out her well worn offering of a nice cup of tea knowing that I will both refuse her not at all kind offer but also rant and rage much to her pleasure.

I do however get to occasionally exercise my revenge, which is always best served cold, unlike tea.   It’s important to note at this point that my wife likes to leave the tea bag in the cup as she drinks her tea.

If we have visitors then I like to ask her, loudly and in front of as many of them as is possible (and if children are about even better), “Do you want ‘teabagin’ hun?”

The pleasure is amplified if I can get my 9 yeah old to shout it.  “Mum, dad wants to know if you want teabagin.”

At worse I will be the recipient of a withering look, and if I am lucky I will be on the sharp end of rolling eyes and a “god, what are you 13 years old!”

I may not win them all but when I do, the sweetness of battle is oh so delicious…

 

 

 

Guest in Jest and Weekly Request

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guest is  Afterwards

 

 

THIS IS WHERE I START MY SHAMELESS BEGGING:

 

Please join us in our Guest of Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

 

 The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

 

 

The featured image was created by Silas at  My weird, crazy and mundane life Journal 

Suit Yourself

My husband Bill heard this story today and it made me laugh so I thought I would share it.

There were a few guys ice fishing on a lake when one of them realized he had to go to the bathroom.  If he only had to pee, that would have been simple, but more was required.  He headed off across the lake to the woods where he’d have a bit of privacy as he undressed down to his thighs to do his business.

Undressing was not a simple affair because he was wearing a snowmobile suit.  For those of you not familiar with such attire, it’s a garment made of a heavy jacket-type material that you step into and zip up to your neck.   There is a hood attached so once you are in and zipped everything is covered except for your face and hands.  Here’s an example of one and if you squint a bit you can see that it zips from thigh to neck.

 

 

0000903_nox-mono-suit-skydiver-350

The fellow who had to remove the suit in order to properly squat and poop was very careful.  He made sure the arms and torso of the suit were pulled forward so that they would remain clean.

While all of this was happening, his buddies were on the lake fishing away and doing what every ice fisherman does, drinking something of an alcoholic nature.  Suddenly they heard this blood-curdling scream from the woods in the general direction where their friend went to find a private spot to relieve himself.

Off they ran looking for their friend sure that something horrible had happened.  When they found him he was standing there with a terrible expression on his face.  You see, when he was done he zipped up his snowmobile suit and flipped the hood up over his head.  It was then that he realized that even though the other parts of his suit were pulled out of the way, he’d neglected to move his hood.  His hood became the receptacle for his excrement which was now squished on his scalp.

From that moment on, his friends referred to him as Shithead.

American Football: The Musings Of A Non-Fan

Today is one of the most celebrated holidays in America.  The Superbowl is on tonight!  For some people, this day eclipses most other holidays put together with the possible exception of Christmas.  If baseball is “America’s Pastime” then football is America’s insanity.  There are people out there who paint themselves in the colors of “their” team.  Parties featuring chips and beer are held in homes and bars everywhere.  Fans will do the strangest things because they think it will bring their team good luck.  There are endless superstitions associated with the game.

In some cities, there is a very real fear that water supplies will not be able to handle all of the simultaneous flushes that happen during timeouts and half-time.  Football mania is very real and it peaks today.

I am not a sports fan.  I am happy for those around me when “our” teams win.  The Boston Red Sox held some interest for a while as their losing streak was measured in decades, but they finally won a World Series.  The Boston Bruins barely click the needle for me.  The Boston Celtics are fine, as basketball teams go.  All of these teams are followed closely by many of my friends and family, but the New England Patriots football team is at the top of the list for most.

The Pats have won consistently for many years in large part because of their quarterback Tom Brady.  He is a god in these parts, or as they say  “GOAT.”  Greatest of All Time.  This is pretty much the extent of my football knowledge till I decided to read a few of the football rules so I wouldn’t be totally in the dark when the game started tonight.  You see, in previous years I watched mostly for the commercials.  Companies trot out their finest commercials for the Superbowl because the audience so large.  Staggeringly large.

If you want to know what I found out in the rulebook you’ll have to read the next post.  I broke this up into two pieces so those who wanted to endure enjoy my musings wouldn’t fall asleep by the end of the post.  There is still a very real possibility that you will drift off.  You have been warned.  Penalties pending.  Stay tuned for what I have learned and why I have more questions now than I had before I started.

Guest in Jest #30 OVER THE HILL ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

CONVERSATION WITH…CINDERELLA’S FAIRY GODMOTHER…Holding Onto Her Magic in Older Age

Over the Hill on the Yellow Brick Road, I passed an Assisted Living Center. I wondered who might live there.  A ham and cheese sandwich came out and cried, “Welcome! I’m Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother!”  I tried to respond with sensitivity…

HAM AND CHEESE

Uh, actually, I think  you’re a ham and cheese sandwich.  You might be just a tad confused.

FAIRY GODMOTHER:  Ah ha ha.  I can see why you’d say that.  But I AM Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother.  I just had an unfortunate mishap.  I combined two different spells as an experiment and accidentally turned myself into ham and cheese on rye.

Oh. Of course.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: I’m not going to stress over it.  I have my health. That’s what matters.

Well…but…aren’t you going to turn yourself back into a Fairy Godmother?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: The problem is, I can’t remember how to do it right now.  I can’t recall which two spells I combined.  I’m having a senior moment.

Sometimes I can’t remember little things, too.  It’s so annoying and upsetting when I can’t recall names of movie actors… or internet passwords…or names of people I went to school with.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Same here. But I try not to let it interfere with my creative process. I’m still an artistic soul.

I admire that. You know, I’ve been in creative meetings at my job when people realize I’ve already mentioned an idea… but I don’t remember I’ve said it before.  It’s embarrassing. I feel like quitting. I think I’m too old to be there.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Hogwash. I don’t let that stuff hold me back. It is what it is.  I remind myself I bring a lot to the table.  And other people might not have the same assets I do.

I wish I had your confidence.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: You just have to take a deep breath and remember to look at your whole being. And if you have a shortcoming because of your age, figure out a way to make it work for you.

How?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Well, for example, if one of my original magic spells is dated, I come up with a replacement that others might not have imagined.

Which one of your spells is dated?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: I’ve noticed not many people want to turn pumpkins into coaches these days. I did that for Cinderella to get to the ball, but now it’s old-fashioned. So instead of feeling like a useless fairy, I let my imagination run wild and created a new spell.  Now I turn microwaves into self-driving limousines.

I’d ride in one of those any day.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Thank you! Then you’ll like this one!  People don’t want glass slippers with high heels anymore—like the kind I made for Cinderella.  The whole “suffer for beauty” thing is dying out.  So I designed a glass sneaker with memory foam.

Brilliant. 

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Thank you again!  You know, I’d love to talk more, but I have to meet Old Mother Hubbard in the dining room. She’s saving me a seat at her table for dinner.

Okay, sure.  But before you go, if you don’t mind that I’m asking, aren’t you just a little concerned about remaining a ham and cheese sandwich for the rest of your life?  What if you never remember how to turn yourself back?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: I’ve got it covered.  At the stroke of midnight, all my spells end. I always turn back into whatever I was before.

I guess SOME old spells are still the best.

 

 

Please join us in our Guest of Jest series.

Here are the rules:

  1. Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.
  2. Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.
  3. Pictures optional, but encouraged.
  4. The post can be one that has been posted before.

The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

Send your submission to Linda at mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and I’ll pop you right in the schedule.

C’mon, you know you want to!

The featured image was created by Silas at  My weird, crazy and mundane life Journal