Guest in Jest #85 The Arty Plantsman

This week’s guest is The Arty Plantsman

First Impressions of Rome.

 

I like flying. Genuinely. Waiting around in lines at airports is a pain but the actual flights are fun!

 

One of my earliest international flights was from Manchester UK to Nurmberg in Germany, involving a change at Hamburg. My dithering boss was with me and he had never flown before. It was only a two day trip so I only took hand luggage. My boss brought a huge case, kept no spare clothes in his hand luggage and, of course, his case went astray during the changeover at Hamburg.. As a result of this experience I try to book direct flights whenever I can. And travel alone.

However. On a subsequent trip I was to fly to Bari in Italy. There were no direct flights so I had to change at Rome.

In theory, there was a 90 minute window to meet the connection. However, my plane into Rome arrived an hour late. We filed anxiously off the plane, onto a bus and over to the terminal where we were told that the few Bari passengers would be assisted on to their connecting flight at a distant gate. An airline employee, a delightful Italian lady, arrived with one of those electric buggies with a trailer on the back, onto which we all piled.

She took off like a bat out of hell across a busy Rome airport and was taking no prisoners. It was like a scene from a slapstick movie. Groups of nuns were scattering at our approach and our driver was beeping the horn, flashing the lights and shouting and gesticulating like crazy.

I would swear at one point we went through a barn and emerged in a cloud of squawking chickens, with the Keystone cops on our tail.

We made it to the far end of the terminal to our gate just in time. Thanking the lady profusely we then shakily walked out to the bus on the tarmac to take us to our plane.

Can you guess what happened next?

The bus drove right back round the outside of the terminal to the plane parked right next to the one we alighted from 20 minutes earlier!

Disbelievingly we started walking up the steps onto the plane. Having been worried about my luggage making the connection my fears were eased when, from the steps, I saw a baggage handler take MY suitcase from the UK plane, look at the tags, shrug, and then walk over and throw it into the hold of the plane I was getting on to!

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Guest in Jest and Weekly Request #85

Please join us tomorrow…

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guest is: The Arty Plantsman

 

Now it is time for my shameless begging.  

Join us in our Guest of Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

Guest in Jest #84 3C Style and Lismore Paper

This week’s guests in Jest are 3C Style and LISMORE PAPER

Nightmare at the House of Style

I have to get away from the House of Style.
3C Style is an ok person, I guess. Ever since she picked me up from Linda and Bill’s home, I’ve been eating well and sleeping whenever I wanted. The best part about my holidays at Dominique’s place are the chew toys. Boy, are they ever chewable! Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin shoes – everything I’ve ever wanted to chew on is now just a bark or two away.

 
Have you ever experienced those gut feelings that you can’t shake even when everything is going perfectly? That’s just the sense I’m getting right now. And you should trust me – I’m a dog. I have waaay better senses than you.

 
My feelings have manifested themselves into some of the most horrendous nightmares you’d ever want described to you. My goodness, not even the Blinky the Cat chew toy is worth this kind of mental agony.

I just have to compose myself a bit. Ok. This is hard for me to say, so be patient with me.

 
I feel like 3C Style is fattening me up.

 
She’s fattening me up, I tell you.

 
Do I think she eats dog? No, no, nothing like that. But you see – she’s preparing a line of plus size clothing and I’ve seen some of the ads. All of them feature pets. Pets that have been dressed up against their will. Incorrigible vests.  Droopy earrings that make all of us look like Snoopy from Charlie Brown. Holiday sweaters that clash with fur colors. Insane nonsense!

 
It’s humiliating, I tell you. You should see the expressions of these model dogs. And trust me – I’m a dog.  I’m waay better at picking up subtle social cues than you.

 
I had a dream that I was getting fattened up to fit some of these “clothes.”

 
I was minding my own business one day. I’m taking 3C Style my leash for my morning walk, but she has another idea. She takes me into her bathroom and motions to me to step on the scale. I’m a smart dog, so I do it. Her face lights up.

 
“Oh! This is wonderful! Walter, I think you’re finally there.”

 
She leads me into a place in the house that I’ve never really been before – the hidden closets in the back corner of the master bedroom. They’re huge walk-in things. And before you know it, I’m LOCKED IN. I look around. This isn’t a closet with human clothes.

 
The sweaters have four holes! The earrings are shaped like dog bones! The vests are cut for someone…or some DOG…with a canine spine! And all of these clothes are horrendously out of season! And then I saw it. An ad of me dressed-up with weird bling bling accessories. I can’t stand it. And I won’t stay here!

 
See for yourself…

Walter Playing Dressup.jpg

 

 

I wake up every morning now in a cold sweat. The good part about it is that 3C Style has been mentioning to Linda that I look sick and am losing weight. Linda is coming to get me back home tomorrow.

 
Losing weight. Well, if it keeps me out of that closet in the back room of the House of Style…

 

 
Note: We assure you that no harm was done to Walter.  The accessories were put on him digitally.

 

Text by Dominique Nancy, 3C Style, and artwork by Lisa Lawrence, Lismore Paper

Guest in Jest and Weekly Request #84

Please join us tomorrow…

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guests are:  3C Style and LISMORE PAPER

 

Now it is time for my shameless begging.  

Join us in our Guest of Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

It’s Done, and I Couldn’t Be Happier!!

I know.  I’ve been prattling on about this garage-building thing for a while now.  You’ve endured pictures of cement mixers and Typar-covered walls.  It will be weird to live without the carpenter’s trailer and a porta-potty next to my driveway.  Walter will have to adjust to a quiet workman-free existence.  We’ve had a lot going on around here, but now, it is done!!!  I promise I won’t talk about it anymore.  Even in this post.  I’ll just leave those of you who have been curious with a few pics and captions.

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The final product featuring Steve Dionne, the man who made it all happen.

 

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The cars’ first night in their new home.

 

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A couple of pics of my new mudroom!

 

Woohoo!!!  It’s done!!

 

Guest in Jest #83 Being Aunt Debbie

This Week’s Guest is Being Aunt Debbie

Shit My Dad Says

 

I had been struggling to find something to blog about and then it hit me! Dad is a pretty funny guy, always has been. For the last couple of years, I have been posting his funnies on Facebook with the hashtag #ShitMyDadSays. He wasn’t too happy when I told him tonight about those posts. Uh oh. Well, he’s 80. He will forget by tomorrow. He forgets a lot these days.

While this post may not be suitable for all audiences, it’s still pretty funny. If you have a stick up your butt or you just don’t have a sense of humor, then just don’t read past this paragraph. You were warned.

*”I use to be a rebel-rouser, until I got shot.”

*When he and my son were up on the roof doing some repair work, Dad was attacked and stung by a wasp. This happened to him 2 weeks prior, so when it happened this time he came in and said, “I just got attacked by that same wasp!” “The same one?” I asked. He said in all seriousness, “Looked like the same one to me!” Half of his face was swollen and the next day he looked like Droopy, the old cartoon dog.

*Myrbetriq commercial comes on. The animated woman’s bladder is PINK so Dad informs me that men have a BLUE bladder! Lmao! Always the funny guy!

*Dad just asked me, “Do you know why I can never find anything?” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I don’t know where anything is.” Lol.

*Goodness…. Watching Y&R with Dad. (Yeah, Dad watches the soaps!) A couple is wanting to adopt a child and are told of a teen mother in her 3rd trimester. Dad says, “That’s just asking for trouble. Why don’t they adopt a baby?” (In my head: wtf did he just say?) I said, “Dad, they are. They’re going to adopt the teen’s baby!” “Oh,” he said. He actually thought they were going to adopt the teenager?! Lol.

*Omg. Lol. Convo between me and Dad:
Me: Did we know that Sean Austin was Patty Duke’s son?
Dad: I think we knew that.
Me: Who is Sean’s dad?
Dad: Marmaduke?
Can’t ever be serious around here!

*To my daughter, I asked, “Do you remember that time your Grampa was talking about his handle bars when he actually meant love handles???” He still calls them handle bars! Lol!

*Watching the news and trying to stay cool. Dad takes a drink of his water and says, “This water is wet.” I said, “That’s odd. Mine’s not.” He says, “You must have Canadian Dry Water.” Lol.

*Hahaha! Dad was just talking about a restaurant he went to in TX with my Aunt Bobbie a long time ago where the waitress sat down in the booth and started chatting like she knew them. What’s funny is that Dad said the name of the restaurant was the “Outhouse!” Lmao! I said, you mean “Outback” don’t you? He said, “Yes!”

*Had to go to town for groceries today. It’s so hot and humid. It was nice and cool in the car. Looked in the mirror before I stepped out of the car, and said “My hair is flat already. I guess I can’t be beautiful every day.” Dad and I both chuckled a little and then he says, “Only one day a year to find a man.” WHAT????? I just walked into the store scratching my head.

*Definitely feeling old. I read this (below) to Dad and he said, “I don’t remember any of that.” Lol.

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*Dad’s watching DNC and out of the blue he says, “Eat shit and bark at the moon! That’s what I always say!” My crazy world. Lol.

*Yesterday I don’t think it hit 30 degrees all day. Today it hit 40. I feel colder today than I did yesterday. Dad agreed…..and then added, “Maybe we have reverse osmosis.” Never a dull moment, I swear. Lol.

*Me complaining this morning: “I don’t know what’s worse; hot flashes or the freakin’ stray hairs growing out of my face!” Dad’s response: “You could always join the circus.” Thanks, Dad. Lol.

*That moment when your father says, “I know one thing….I’m not getting one of those transvaginal implants no matter how much money they’re paying.” (He’s referring to the law suit commercials and of course just being silly.)

*Checking out in Walmart today, the checker accidentally knocked a large box of canned cat food onto the floor, landing on Dad’s foot. She was so worried and felt so horrible, saying “Are you ok? Are you ok?” Dad says, “I’m ok. It landed on my big toe that’s not there!” Lmao! Checker says, “Are you serious?” Dad says, “Yes. It landed where my toe would have been, had it been there.” We all got a good chuckle out of it. (For those who don’t know, Dad has 2 missing toes on one foot….shot gun accident years ago.)

*TWD & popcorn night. Trying to explain to Dad that even though the bowl is bigger, it’s the same amount of popcorn I make him every Sunday. “But it’s a bigger bowl,” he keeps saying. Silly man.

*Dad says, “I’m going to be a cat when I grow up.” Lol.

*Coming up a hill on the way home today, had to hit the brakes for 3 people crossing the road on horseback. After they crossed I waved and continued on my way. Dad, in all his silliness says, “I didn’t know they still made horses.” Lol. He’s always throwing stuff like that at me and it cracks me up every. time. 

*After slowly getting up out of my chair, I told Dad I was tired of trying to get around like a normal human being. Dad said, “Maybe we should just cut off your legs.” I said, “I would probably get around better.” Dad said, “You’d be a bit shorter but…..” Lmao! Leave it to Dad.

*After a few groans, Dad says, “I thought you were suppose to be dead before rigor mortis sets in.” Good grief. The things that come out of his mouth. Lol

*So, Dad and I are watching AGT and talking about how Simon Cowell is better than Pierce Morgan and Howard Stern. Dad said with more than a little disgust, “Oh yeah. That Stern guy has been a dick all his life and all of mine too.” Lmao! 

 

So, that just about sums up my life with Dad. He keeps me on my toes. Sometimes, when we go to Walmart, any Walmart, he will ask me, “Have I been here before?” I keep telling him, “One of these days you’re going to be serious and I won’t know the difference.” He’s so funny and my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without him.

Thanks for reading. I hope you got a good chuckle!

Guest in Jest and Weekly Request #83

Please join us tomorrow…

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guest is: Being Aunt Debbie

 

Now it is time for my shameless begging.  

Join us in our Guest of Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

Quick and QWERTY Idiom #11

Here’s a fresh idiom for everyone.  Have fun!

Idiom:  Flash in the pan

 

 

Want to be a Quick and QWERTY guest?

Here are the rules…in bullet points…because they are so much quicker to read:

  • I post an idiom as a prompt …when I have time.

  • You write a humorous post, in 25 words or less…when you have time.

  • Any style is acceptable…all of the time.

  • Send post to me at mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com …as time allows.

  • I publish each post here as they come in…when I have time.

  • We all read whatever posts we have time to read.

 

Don’t forget that you can still use the previous idioms.  There is no statute of limitations!

Guest in Jest #82 Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks

This week’s guest is  Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks

 

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Bow tie pasta dish casserole. Photo by Cecilia Kennedy

Pizza Pasta Panic is a chaotic, yet tasty blend of bow-tie pasta elegance and pepperoni pizza. It also perfectly describes my state of mind when I was making this casserole: Confused. Very confused, but determined because I signed up to bring a pasta dish to a swim team pre-meet potluck, which is very, very intimidating. It’s intimidating because I don’t want to embarrass Alex with the food I make. I don’t want him to say, “Mom, my friends said, ‘Dude, your mom makes weird stuff.’” In fact, if I serve consistently weird or tasteless dishes, will potluck organizers be able to program Sign Up Genius so that it “malfunctions” and sends out alarms when I attempt to sign up? I actually wonder about these things. Here’s the fantastic news though: “Miles” (whose name I’ve changed here), on Alex’s swim team, tasted Pizza Pasta Panic and said, “It’s good.” Alex also said it was “good” and “spicy.”

To sum up so far, then: There are exactly two reviews of this dish, and, drawing creatively from those reviews, this is how I’ll advertise my casserole on the Internet: For a good and spicy time at a swim meet potluck, dive into some Pizza Pasta Panic.

However, winning over two swimmers at a potluck does not easily “happen” overnight. It takes about a week’s worth of careful consideration and planning.

“Someone already signed up for macaroni and cheese!” I told Nate early on in the week. “Macaroni and cheese! That’s like. . . the best thing in the world! The absolute best! And it’s rude to copycat. That’s the unspoken rule about potlucks. You can’t copycat on purpose.”

“I don’t know—just make something easy—like lasagna.”

“Lasagna isn’t easy. At least, it’s not easy for me.”

“I . . . I don’t know how to help you,” Nate said.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. I’ll handle this for the both of us. Just leave it to me.”

At one point, I thought I’d just empty a box of boiled penne into a 9 X 13 pan, cover it in spaghetti sauce from a jar and heat it all up with cheese, but where’s the love in that? Where is the love? No. I’ve contributed nothing to the team so far. Nothing. I’ve not volunteered to time or count laps or pass out snacks. I needed to mess up my kitchen and show some love. So, I started to look at some recipes online and the pizza/pasta mash-up is not new. Lots of people cook pasta in 9 X 13 pans with pepperoni and either some version of Italian sausage or just ground beef. After looking over a few recipes, I told myself, “I got this. I’m going in.”

To get really creative, I decided I’d use a pasta shape that people just tend to overlook at potlucks: the bow tie. My son is on the men’s high school swim and dive team after all. What better way is there to remind these swimmers of the gentlemen they are than to have them eat bow tie-shaped pasta? Beneath the tough exterior of these Speedo-clad competitors beat the hearts of young men who convene in the hot tub after practice and discuss politics. So, let them eat bow ties—and wear some pants. (Alex, please remember pants when walking back to the car after practice.)

I decided then that bow tie pasta would be my “base.” However, I did cheat a little bit by buying the “traditional” marinara style Barilla pasta sauce because making and canning my own sauce, an hour before the potluck, just wasn’t going to happen. Now, here is where the love came in: I heated up a pound of ground beef with chopped garlic, diced red and green bell peppers, some onion, a little bit of sea salt, and just a sprinkle of red pepper flakes. Then, I just started layering everything—like a mad woman because I was running out of time: sauce, pasta, beef, pepperoni, cheese; sauce, pasta, beef, pepperoni—lots and lots of cheese. But I lost count of my layers and I can’t remember if I doubled a layer of pasta and cheese and forgot the sauce, or if I just dumped a bunch of sauce over some cheese at some point. In any case, I threw the whole thing in the oven at 450 for 20 minutes, pulled it out, and shouted, “Drive, Nate! Drive! It must get there hot!” There was no time to even taste it. It just had to get there.

Meanwhile, I started on the meal Nate and I were going to eat for dinner because parents weren’t really “encouraged” to eat at the potluck. It was for the swimmers/divers and coaches, really, but I suspect some parents may have snuck a bite or two. Finally, when Alex came home, I pounced on him with questions:

“How was it? Did you have fun? What did you eat? Tell me everything.”

“I had fun, but I can’t remember everything, but I liked the thing you made—and Miles said it was good, too.”

“That’s great!”

“Oh—and the macaroni and cheese was awesome.”

“Yes, I’m sure it was.”

“There was also this shrimp soup, too. It was really good.”

“Since when did you start eating shrimp? I could be making delicious shrimp dishes and you’d eat them? I could have been buying shrimp this entire time?”

“Yeah—I think I like shrimp now.”

“Was it a curry based shrimp soup? Did it have coconut in it?”

“I don’t know. Dad . . . please help me.”

Nate, who was trying not to laugh, reminded me that it was late and that Alex had a meet the next day.

“But did anyone get sick?” I finally asked.

“No. Everyone’s fine,” Alex said.

And that’s the important thing. No one that I know of so far got sick from the Pizza Pasta Panic. Oh—and “Miles” from the high school swim team says it’s “good.” Blessings and hugs to “Miles.”

Your Turn: What’s your go-to dish for a potluck?