Please welcome our Guest
Happiness is a Brussels Sprout
Meanwhile…down at the Coach and Horses…
‘S bit like that Harry Hughes fellah,’ opined Reg.
‘Howard,’ corrected Bert.
‘What?’ Reg asked.
‘Howard. His name was Howard.’
‘Was it? You sure?’ Reg asked sceptically.
‘Certain.’ Bert replied with certainty.
‘Oh,’ said Reg, feeling somewhat crestfallen that his encyclopaedic knowledge of multi-billionaires was being challenged.
‘Well, Harry Howard, then,’ Reg continued.
Bert sighed. ‘What about him?’
‘Well, was he happy with all his money?’
‘Couldn’t rightly say,’ Bert said.
‘He wasn’t, I can tell you that,’ Reg informed his drinking partner with a note of fiscal triumph.
‘I do know he became a recluse,’ Bert offered.
‘I thought he was a Yank?” queried Reg.
Bert frowned. ‘Of course he was American. What you going on about?’
‘So when did he move to Reclusia?’
‘What?’ Bert asked.
‘Never mind, never mind. The point is, see. The point is. He wasn’t content.’
‘Nope,’ Reg replied with an air of smugness. ‘Having pots of money does that. Y’see. On account of not eating vegetables.’
Bert was now completely lost. ‘Having lots of money means you don’t eat vegetables? Is this what you’re telling me?’
‘Well… yeah. Because you don’t have to, see. You can eat all that caviar and trifles and stuff.’
‘You mean truffles.’
‘Well, excuse me. My old mam always called it trifles. But then we weren’t as posh as you.’
Bert decided not to pursue this. Any minute now, Reg was going to discuss string-theory, but first, he wanted to understand how not eating vegetables made a person content. Although he had on occasion, hidden his Brussels sprouts under a large dollop of potato as a child.
‘So…’ he said, encouraging Reg to continue.
‘So… it bungs you up,’ Reg said.
‘Er… bungs you up?’ Bert asked.
‘Yeah. You can’t go to the toilet. It’s the opposite of being incontent, see?’
Bert twigged … finally. ‘I believe the word you are looking for, Reg Sidebottom is in-con-tin-ent,’ he said, enunciating the syllables
‘I thought you said he lived in America?’ Reg said his brow creasing.
Bert shook his head. ‘Finish your pint, Reg. Vegetables or not, you really are full of it.’
The Ark 2010©
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