I Woke Up Early…

This is the second morning in a row that I’ve been awake before 10 AM.  For those of you who have jobs that might seem a little indulgent, but I had one of those for over 30 years and now I get up when I damned well please.  Unless I inexplicably wake up early.  Then the indulgence turns to sorrow and disjointed thoughts.

When I first woke up I kept having potential blog topics running through my head.  Snippets that were totally unrelated.  For instance, I experienced a bit of guilt about providing so many Walter posts and never giving any blog space to my cats.  But then I let myself off the hook because, after all, the cats are normal pets and Walter is not.  Not by a long shot…

Then I thought about discussing this very unusual boat we are getting.  Do we get a normal boat?  Hell, no!  But that’s a post for another time.  Maybe I’ll do that in a few minutes if I don’t get sleepy.  If sleep doesn’t appear soon, I’ll be a grumpy, sleep-deprived zombie whack job when I write it, so be prepared.  Preparations should include an appropriate hiding place, preferably one with coffee.  Mmmm coffee.  That’s what I want right now but shouldn’t have because I really do want to sleep and cease becoming a grumpy, sleep-deprived zombie whack job.  Who am I kidding?  If I get more sleep I’ll just be a slightly less grumpy zombie whack job who is well-rested.

My next potential topic concerned my obsession with a cell phone game rated for ages 4+.  Stop judging me!    It’s perfectly normal to wait impatiently while my flowers grow and watch for some sort of weird bug/creature to appear.  *checks game*  Why do I wait for weird bugs on virtual flowers?  It’s because collecting enough of them can get you spiffy prizes.  These include outfits I can use to dress my character and furniture I can use to decorate a little campsite.  *checks game*  I am currently behind in my bug collecting and I might not make my quota before tonight and then I will miss out on getting that sandalwood resort hut.  It doesn’t matter that it will probably sit in my virtual inventory and never be used, I want it.  I want it bad.  I don’t just want it, I NEED it!

It occurs to me that not having a schedule might be deleterious to my Age 4+ mind.  I don’t care.  I’m going to get that damned sandalwood resort hut if I have to haunt my phone constantly until 2 AM because that’s when the bugs go away and my chance of getting my NEEDED sandalwood resort hut is gone like a bird on a boat potentially bringing me snacks.  Yeah, it’s a strange game and it really is early in the morning for me, isn’t it?

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*This blog has now been interrupted while Walter howls at horses.*  Yes, this is happening real-time.  Did I make this up?  No.  If I had made it up, it would be the start of a Walter post.  Since I am currently a coffeeless, sleep-deprived zombie whack job, I will resist writing another post about Walter, even though horse-howling is a rather interesting topic and does deserve to be explored.  Maybe later…

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Back to irregularly scheduled programming.  *checks game* I went to a wedding reception yesterday.  How was that for a non-existent seque?  Get used to it, there will be more.  The reception was a casual affair hosted by the blissful couple at a cottage on a lake in the middle of a savage thunderstorm.  I had cake.

What do you all know about docks?  *checks game* We have to get one for the weird boat and I’m a dock virgin so there are many questions.  I was reading about mooring whips and water agitators and started to fantasize about becoming a dock virgin pond dominatrix.

************************************

Yet another Walter interruption.  He has traded in his howling for whining.  There is a Golden Retriever down the road. Even though said retriever can barely be seen, except by him, it doesn’t matter.  The whining continues. Horse-howling is a distant memory.

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*boof*  I promise, I’m not even going to give Walter his own paragraphs anymore because he’s just indiscriminately boofing at a spot where a Golden Retriever was…and is not anymore. *checks game* Golden Retrievers are like that.  They have the nerve to move out of Walter’s view, and apparently, that is boof-worthy. *checks game*  Oooh, I got some bugs and a white beach dress as a prize!* Thirty-four bugs to go!  *boof*

Wow!  Did you know that you can get a water-agitating, muck-removing thingmabob?  Neither did I.  I know this subject just randomly popped up but I think it’s important to know that The Aquasweep Muck Blaster starts at only $1195!  I cannot make this stuff up.  *boof* Maybe my potential as a pond dominatrix could be achieved if I got a muck-blasting water agitator.  It does sound sufficiently painful, don’t you think?

*boof..bark…howl*  I wish I could put videos here.  That sound combination is YouTube gold.  It’s not often I get a threefer from Walter.  It’s usually one sound or another, but we have now reached trifecta status in the dog noise emission category this morning.  Stand by for farts.  That’s the only dog noise emission left.  Other dog emissions are not allowed.  If he pees on the sofa again there will be whimpering, and I hate whimpering before coffee.

*low growl boof*  Hey, that’s new.  Walter never ceases to amaze me.  Oh damn, I am actually giving him another paragraph when I promised I wouldn’t.  Oh well, you’d better let me off the hook on this one.  Keep in mind that I’m a pond dominatrix and I can moor-whip you into submission regarding Walter paragraph promises.  If the moor-whipping isn’t sufficient, I’ll get out the Aquasweep Muck Blaster and then you’ll be sorry!

 

 

 

 

 

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Guest in Jest Special Edition!

I can see Uranus

I think you know I have a childish and somewhat inappropriate sense of humour. I don’t hide it and in fact I am rather fond of it, so you will not be surprised to know that my recent camping adventures have developed a most fantastically inappropriate twist which I am certain you will love too – even if you don’t admit it.

I didn’t come up with – it was something I saw on Amazon’s ‘Grand Tour’ but do know it will stick with me for the rest of my days.

So what is it you ask? Well quite simple really. You know how caravans have fantastically inspirational names, well you put ‘Anal’ in front of them and then giggle like a twelve year old until your wife shouts at you for being so childish. Not that 12 year olds have wives. Well not unless youre american. But I digress…

Check out the photos below and if you don’t manage a chuckle then you’re dead inside! I for one am a big fan on the ‘Anal Hobby’. You may however be a little more of a classical basic humour sort of person and prefer the ‘Anal Breeze’ or perhaps the ever popular ‘Anal ambassador’.

Let me know your favourite…

 

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WHAT THE HELL IS AN E-RING?

A couple of hours ago, Bill informed me that his riding lawn mower had a flat front tire.  Ok, simple enough.  Keep in mind that Bill is allergic to all things mechanical.  I, on the other hand, have half a clue about such things because my Dad was a mechanical whiz and I tended to pay attention.  Doing that has paid off handsomely in the years that followed, but back to the lawnmower…

I go out to the barn with my Dad’s handy ratchet set.  I figure if it has a non-metric nut I can just take it off and pull the tire.  I look at the mower and try to determine the best place to jack it.  But then, I actually thought ahead and figured before I did that, I’d best see what I’m dealing with.  I pull off the axel’s dust cover and there is no nut; only a smooth cylindrical thing and what appeared to be a couple of large washers behind that.  Ok, Dad’s ratchet set isn’t going to do squat here.  Sorry, Dad!  This is something I’ve never seen before.  I knew I had to tell Bill and I’d have to endure that crestfallen face that is so very hard to endure.  Nope, I wasn’t going to do that just yet.  There was only one thing to do.

I headed indoors and fired up YouTube to see if there was anything that might help me.  Sure enough, there was this wonderful guy who not only shows how to pull the tire but also shows that he is replacing his pneumatic tires with solid rubber ones.  Bill would love that!  No flats! Ever!  I would love that because I wouldn’t have to hear about flat mower tires again!  Ever!  This was worth pursuing.

So I watch closely and I see that there are no nuts involved in this thing.  Apparently, that cylindrical thing was the end of the axle.  Then what held the tire on?  The only thing that’s holding this tire on is an e-ring.  At least that’s what this guy said it was.  What is an e-ring?  He takes it off and kindly shows us e-ring newbs what it looks like.    WHAT THE HELL IS AN E-RING?  I’d never seen anything like it.  Obviously, this was not my father’s e-ring, to loosely quote an old Oldsmobile commercial.  To my knowledge he never had e-rings.  But you never know.  Some dads can be tricky if they are hiding e-rings from their daughters, but I just know that mine was not an e-ring hiding dad.  I’ll never know for sure, but I bet he wasn’t. I would think an e-ring hiding dad would have a certain vibe, wouldn’t you?

Ok, those of you who are laughing at me because you know what an e-ring is can just go stand over there in the corner till I’m done.  That’s right, over in that corner right there.  You’ll just have to imagine me pointing, but since you can’t see me, just go to any available corner and wait for further instructions.

On with the YouTube video.  The guy presents his audience with his spanking new no-flat tires.  He does admit that they cost $42 a piece and he thought that wasn’t cheap.  I almost shout at my computer screen:  “Who cares what it costs if it means never having to deal with e-rings again?  No flats and no e-rings!”  I try to calm down.  He just slaps those tires on, puts the washers over the axle, puts that e-ring on, and proceeds to grease the wheel.  Damn it, I don’t own a grease gun.  That’s ok, I know I can get one, and I’m pretty sure I can do this thing.  Easy peasy and extra greasy.

After a few deep breaths, I go and tell Bill I have good news and bad news.  It went something like this:

“No, I’ve never seen anything like it but this very nice guy on YouTube showed exactly how to do it.  Really!  Once I found out the subtle mysteries of the e-ring, all became clear.”

I got a sideways glance.  He says:  “Maybe I should call Janusz.”

Janusz is this little man who comes every spring to get the lawnmower going.  After he yells at Bill for not bringing the battery in for the winter, he gets everything tuned up and sharpens the blade.

“Humph!  Why call Janusz if I can do it??  All I have to do is buy the tires and a grease gun.”

He grabs the phone and tries to call Janusz.  No answer.  He doesn’t leave a message but says he will call again.

I guess I’m the one who got the message.  It seems that I won’t be replacing mower tires any time soon.  I am incensed, yet secretly happy that I don’t have to mess around with highly suspicious e-rings.  Besides, Janusz will yell at him for not knowing what to do and that provides a certain amount of entertainment value right there.  I think I’m still going to buy that grease gun, though.  You never know when I might need to grease a few wheels here or there.

The Zombie Plant Apocalypse

I’m pretty much a live and let live sort of person.  There are very few living things that raise my ire.  There are a few people who are definitely ire-worthy, but on the whole, I’m a love ‘all creatures, great and small’ kinda gal.  However, today I am filled with triumphant jubilation.  I am looking out the window shouting:  “Die mo$^(&(#^ker, DIE!!!  I won’t tell you what those cryptic characters stand for because it is language unbefitting a lady, not that I’ve been compared to one of those rarefied creatures of late.

What gives me such joy while watching this much-anticipated extermination?  What is it that pushes me to such hatred?  Bamboo.  Now, this isn’t the pretty whispy, grassy sort of bamboo you see in lovely Japanese paintings.  This is the scourge of many a yard in New England.  I think it’s pretty scourge-y in other places around the world, too.  Another name for this unrelenting monster of a plant is Japanese Knotweed. Around here it’s just ‘bamboo’ and it is spoken of in tones that are proof of the power it has over us.  Some people let loose exasperated curses when describing it.  Others are in awe of the tenacity of the thing.  Most people just hang their heads, knowing full well that they have been defeated.  Bamboo is like that.  It takes hold and never lets go.

 

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But here I am, happily watching a backhoe dig into the heart of my mortal enemy.  I’m overjoyed to see the plants removed and shoved into a hole the size of a double-decker bus.  I am beyond thrilled to see my newly-beloved backhoe operator cover the ruthless stems with rocks and boulders.  Thinking about the eradication of a plant that has plagued my family for decades fills me with well-justified glee.  And yet, I wonder if this will be the end of the great battle.

You might be thinking all of this is rather silly.  Why not just pull it up and be done with it?  Yeah, well, you’d be wrong.  There is no getting rid of it.  I remember when I was a kid, my Dad was at war with bamboo and I knew he would defeat it. My Dad could do anything.  That stuff was going to be history, I just knew it.  I watched him try everything to get rid of it.  He cut it and pulled it and dug it…for years on end.  It kept coming back.  I knew it was a lost cause when he liberally doused it with gasoline and set it on fire.  These days, that sort of action would be highly frowned upon for good reason, but this inflammatory episode happened well before the EPA existed.  It didn’t matter.  Dad might just as well have given it fertilizer and a pep talk because it came back with a vengeance.  He never won that war. It was still happily growing when we moved away.  The new place didn’t have the curse and Dad died a bamboo-free man, and for that I am thankful.  Bamboo wasn’t done with me, though.  Not by a long shot.

When Bill and I bought this house we started assessing the yard and figuring out what we might want to plant.  While we were walking around the place, I saw the shoots.  I won’t say that my reaction was one of terror, but my not saying it doesn’t mean it wasn’t something very closely related.  It was my turn to put on the battle gear and face the enemy.  It’s been three decades of cutting and pulling and digging and I am still plagued with the stuff…until today.

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So here I am, sitting here with the scent of diesel fuel wafting about, dreaming of bamboo decimation.  But really, who am I kidding?  Even if the backhoe rips it out by the roots, it’s unlikely that it will get every last bit of it.  If there is one tiny shred of a rhizome left, it will come back.  So maybe even though this whole backhoe thing sounds like overkill, I really think it might be under-kill.  I told the backhoe guy to rip off the steps, pull out the cement landing and do everything possible to kill the enemy.  My exact words were:  “Do whatever it takes to get rid of the stuff, short of making the foundation cave in.”  I wasn’t kidding…and he knew it.

Even if it does come back, at least most of the roots will be gone and…and…then it hit me.  A feeling of panicky dread descended.  Not only could the bamboo return to its original location, it might escape the double-decker bus-sized hole, too!  Just because the roots and stems had been buried and covered with rocks and boulders, that didn’t mean it wouldn’t find a way to come back from the rubble.  Nooooo…  It would be just like bamboo to stay in its grave just long enough for me to become complacent and then resurrect itself into some sort of photosynthetic horror.  It’s going to be a zombie plant, I just know it!  Oh hell, the Zombie Plant Apocalypse is coming!  At least I don’t have to worry about zombie bamboo eating my brain.  I lost that years ago.

 

 

And Now For Something Completely Different…

And now for something completely different…The Larch.

Those of you are not Monty Python fans will not get that, but I’m in a reminiscent mood, so you’ll have to bear with me.

I’m sitting here on a Friday night thinking about previous Friday nights of my youth.  This all came about because I watched the first episode of Jeeves and Wooster this afternoon.  You see, I’m a Britcom fan.  Yes, it’s true.  I admit it.  I misspent a good deal of my Friday-night-youth watching Monty and Bertie and all sorts of imponderable characters.  They were an escape for an outcast kid in a rural mill town.

Our local Public Broadcasting Station aired shows that made me laugh when little else did.   As a kid, I didn’t know a single soul who shared my love for these shows.  For most of the kids in town, Fridays were given up to football.  Pep rallies and games were taken very seriously.   Since I couldn’t play, and I sure as hell couldn’t lead a cheer, my Friday evenings were spent with the funniest folks the UK could offer.  And funny they were!

Today, this trip down memory lane started when Bill and I were talking about P.G. Wodehouse.  He was reading a magazine that included a rather pithy quote attributed to one of the best writers I’ve ever read,  And he liked it!  Now having Bill like something that was written by an early 20th century British writer was a bit of a fluke.  He positively loathes anything that even hints of British humor, especially anything set decades ago.  Even with the faintest of allusion to British royalty is strictly verboten.  So how could it be that Wodehouse amused him?  Could it be that some part of British humor might tickle his fancy?  I decided to put it to the test.

I offered to show him the very first episode of Jeeves and Wooster.  This show was based on P.G. Wodehouse characters and starred Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.  Upon offering to do so, I was met with a look of skepticism and a barrage of not unexpected questions:

“Is it sci-fi?”

No

“Does it have British royalty in it?”

Well, it does have British aristocrats but I assure you, they are the butt of all of the jokes.

“Is it present-day or set a long time ago?”

It’s based in the twenties, I think.

“Ok, well that might not be too bad.  I suppose it will keep me from wasting my time reading the stories if I don’t like it.”

Great, I’ll put it on…  And I’m thinking: “…I’ll put it on even if I am pretty sure you won’t like it.  There’s always a chance!  Oh please let there be a chance!”

You can all guess how this turned out.  The show started and I was thoroughly enjoying the crazy humor that only Fry and Laurie can convey.  As things hum along, Bill had this rather scowly look about him.  I had to explain a few things and I knew we were on rocky ground when a visitor arrived.  At that point, I knew all was lost.  15 minutes of Jeeves and Wooster had been endured and a guest had rescued him from this wifely torture.  Sigh…

It was later revealed that:

1. The accent was hard to understand.

2. There were too many British phrases he didn’t understand.

3. They talked too fast.

4. He didn’t know what they were talking about.

Besides, he said, it left him cold.  Cold!?  Aww c’mon!

I can’t say it was a shock to me.  If something doesn’t grab his attention and hold it for more than ten seconds, he glazes over.  This is the guy who falls asleep during a Star Wars movie.  He literally snored through Pirates of the Carribean.  But I’m straying from my original thoughts about Britcoms.

I understand why it is hard for Bill to ‘get’ British comedy.  You have to give it a chance.  Let things unfold in the fullness of time.  Ok, that was a bit much but I truly think that a great deal of British comedy is based on repetition.  Getting the repetitious gag means taking the time to hear it more than once.  Monty Python’s “And now for something completely different…” is a great example of that.  Are You Being Served had Mrs. Slocombe repeatedly shouting “I am unanimous in that!”  Of course, her greatest gag was always talking about her pussy.  It was always about her cat, but the double entendres were hilarious.  These gags were repeated enough that every time you heard them, or knew they were coming, you laughed.  It couldn’t be helped.

After the tenth time of:  “And now for something completely different…The Larch”  popped up on the screen following various unrelated sketches, a geeky kid in Maine laughed…repeatedly.  I still laugh, so maybe those Friday nights weren’t so misspent after all.

 

 

 

 

He Peed Where?

I’m not sure if I shared this fun fact about Walter, but if not, it’s time I did.  Don’t tell him I mentioned this or he might be embarrassed.  What am I saying?  Walter is never embarrassed.  Walter doesn’t care what the world thinks of him.  Not one iota.  He just goes about doing his Walter things, in his Walter way.

This particular Walter thing embarrasses me, however.  You see, when Walter gets very excited, he pees a little.  Or, depending on the situation, he pees a lot!  When someone he likes comes to the house, he will jump up and down ecstatically while sprinkling the floor with pee.  This is very embarrassing.  Especially if it happens when a stranger comes to visit.  Someone new can be rather surprised to see a Great Dane pee in excitement!  How do you say to someone:  “Hey, he likes you!  Look at that, he peed!”  Yeah, it’s not something I brag about.

That’s bad enough, but this wouldn’t be much of a story if it ended there.   A quick mop-up and an apology can usually remedy that problem quickly.  But if he gets too close to the person coming in the door, he’s been known to pee on their foot!  I am not one who likes to entertain, but having my dog pee on a guest’s foot is going a little too far!

But that isn’t the worst of it.  Now I will say that this is probably not all Walter’s fault.  Mostly, but not all.  I’ve often written about the gal who comes to clean/landscape/dog sit for us.  Wendy is a marvel.  And Wendy loves Walter.  More to the point, Walter LOVES his Auntie Wendy.  He gets very excited when he sees her.  We have already ascertained what Walter does when he gets excited.  You know what’s coming…

Now, this is where I have to explain why this incident wasn’t completely Walter’s fault.  Wendy likes to play with him and get him all worked up.  She will pretend to step on his toes and chase him around. There have been vacuum cleaner wars and games of hide and seek.  They will be all over the place as they play.  This particular time, Wendy reached down for a dog toy and that was so exciting that Walter took his chance and peed on her head!  This behavior would normally embarrass me no end, but I think she asked for it.  She knew how he is and she knew the risks of playing with him like that.  I might not have been terribly sympathetic.  Actually, I might have laughed uproariously.

But this wasn’t the ‘crowning glory’ of Walter’s urinary indiscretions.   Not long ago, Walter had to go to a vet he normally doesn’t see.  He needed a quick, minor procedure done and she took him out back to perform it.  A few minutes later the tech returned him to me and he was all happy.  Since he wasn’t used to this vet, I asked how it went.  The tech said:  “He peed on her head!”  I’m not sure what kind of relationship this tech had with the vet, but she said it with a big grin on her face.  After a very embarrassing moment, she tried to reassure me that it happens all of the time.  Somehow, I think she was just trying to make me feel better.  I mean, how many dogs would do that?  How many could!?

Do you know how hard it is to skulk shamefully out of a vet’s office with a bouncy Great Dane riling up all of the other patients?  There was no uproarious laughter this time.  Walter was happy as can be, but I was the one leaving with my tail between my legs.

Guest in Jest-Epilogue

This past Friday featured the last weekly-scheduled Guest in Jest post.  I think we’ve had a pretty good run with 100 posts.  I thank everyone who participated by submitting posts and all of you who have read them and commented.  This series has been a highlight of my time here on WordPress.  It has been an honor to have such talent showcased here on Everyone Else Has the Best Titles.

Not all is lost.  I will haphazardly ask for posts and hope to gain a few here and there, but trying to fill this slot on a weekly basis has become too difficult.  Besides, my knees are tired from all of the begging!  I will still run humorist posts if they are submitted.  Please, send them in whenever you wish and I will gladly publish them here.

Thanks again to you all!

The Collection Intervention

About a year ago, I was the recipient of an intervention.  Bill and Wendy (the gal who works for us) teamed up and informed me that my collections were out of control.  They were not wrong.  I collect everything.  I love antiques.  If it’s old, I collect it. The house and the barn, and the garden shed were chock full.  The camp was a little scary, too. I won’t even tell you about the garden shed.  “Hey, those terracotta pots were on sale so of course, I need at least 50 of them!”  Who could resist!?  As you can tell, it wasn’t just antiques. I collected everything and I was one of those people who couldn’t pass up a deal.  If one was good, then a dozen would be so much better. After all, it’s cheaper in bulk!   All of these things, added together, created a deadly combination.  An intervention-worthy combination.

Now, I might be a packrat but things were clean, and in my mind, they were organized.  That might be stretching things a bit.  Everything really was clean but maybe ‘organized’ isn’t the right word.  At least I usually knew which room something was in!  Usually.  The fact that I was going through my books last winter and found three copies of the same book might lead you to believe otherwise.  Yeah, it was at that point that I knew I had a problem.  Bill and Wendy had a point.

I’ve always thought that there are two types of people when it comes to stuff.  There are those wonderful people who like to have a lot of it around and feel cozy when they do.  Then there are those unfeeling people who are minimalists and want to live in cold, spartan conditions suitable for a surgical suite or some sort of sterile laboratory.  Perhaps my choice of adjectives would lead you to guess that I am the former type and Bill and Wendy are the latter.  I like my books and antiques around.  Maybe too many of both.  Maybe.  Yes, I like having my books and antiques around, but my loved ones don’t.  If it were up to them, every room would be so sparsely furnished that you could hold a square dance in it!  A compromise had to be struck, and let me tell you, it’s been painful.

In the past few months, I’ve seen clothes, shoes, dishes, linens, books, art supplies, garden tools, and furniture go out the door.  Even some of my precious antiques have, like Elvis, left the building.  It’s been hard, but somehow liberating.  I vacillate between a number of emotions:  happy, sad, mortified, thankful, mournful, inspired and just plain angry; all bound together in a wrapping of disbelief.  Did I really have all of this stuff?  Did I really need it?  Some things I did, but a lot I could really do without.  Don’t tell Bill and Wendy that.  I still want them to think that they are torturing me and I’m a pitiful victim. I continue to make them believe this with a few pouts and well-timed whimpers.

One of my current projects is working on tools.  Perhaps having five sets of screwdrivers is a bit excessive.  We won’t even talk about socket sets and pliers!  Hey, creating a toolbox for camp seemed like a good idea, especially since I have four toolboxes!  My current job is to gather and organize all of the nails and screws.  Talk about painful!  But, I did get to order some really nifty organizers with little drawers from Amazon that are perfect for this endeavor.  This brings us to another problem…Amazon.  Since this post is getting way too long as it is, I’ll leave my love/hate relationship with Amazon for a future rant post.

The long and the short of it is that I’m a pitiful victim of minimalist monsters.  But little, by little, the house, barn, camp, and garden shed are looking pretty good.  There is still much to be done.  Hey, but the new garage is pristine and I am told it needs to stay that way.  Just keep me away from Amazon.  So many of us have the Amazon addiction. There really should be a support group…that serves donuts.  Those glazed ones are pretty good, and the Boston creams, too.  Oooh jelly-filled, don’t forget about those.  You can’t go wrong with a good plain donut, either.  Oh hell, now I’m collecting donuts!

 

Guest in Jest #100 Silently Smouldering Words

This Week’s Guest is    Silently Smouldering Words

 

I don’t often put in an editorial comment but I have to this time.  This is the 100th edition of Guest in Jest and it is only fitting that #100 should be done by the same person who did #1.  Thank you, my dear, for being part of this series from the very start.  I love you so much for continually submitting pieces, especially when I thought there were no more posts to be had.  ❤️

 

Green Eyed Monster

Oh…

Jealousy,  jealousy

Beast that you are,

You sneak up on me 

Though I shun you afar.

My nonchalance- challenged

My sanity- shot.

And my head, mostly cool

Boils up good

Turns to hot.

I glance at the grasping and desperate

Words

That pour out from the mouths

of these snip – snapping birds,

Do they wish to torment me?

Yep. Prob’ly they do

For this monster that’s Green

works not one way

but two.

So this yucky and shameful base feeling I feel

Comes a – running towards me and nips at my heel

And I’m smothered and blasted by (rhymes here with “doors”)

Who desperate to taste you get down on all fours

And brazenly eff you with efforts quite poor

(And hey look, one more word that rhymes SO well with Wh***)

Yet tormented I am

(Though compare I do NOT)

To lascivious harlots here stirring the pot…

I will selflessly shove my true love in your face.

They’re like dolls made of rags

While I’m heat dressed in lace. 

 

When it Comes to Walter, The Mind Boggles

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It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned any of Walter’s indiscretions.  He’s been the subject of numerous posts here.  If you decide to pass this one by, I promise I won’t think less of you.  You see, I’m insufferable when it comes to Walter because I talk about him a lot and I’m like a grandmother proudly showing off photos of her grandkids in a grocery aisle, keeping all of the other shoppers from reaching the frozen asparagus that is always on the top shelf.  I’m sort of like that, only I’m not keeping others from frozen asparagus and I am not proud of him.  When it comes to Walter, one can only ask:  “What has he done now!” or “Can you believe he survived this?” or “How could my cute puppy turn into Destructo-Dog?”

Today it wasn’t bad.  When I woke up this morning, I found trash scattered around the kitchen.  This is rather common behavior for a dog if given the opportunity.  But it brought to mind all of the really weird stuff he’s chewed and/or consumed.  Mostly the latter.  I know I’ve mentioned some of these before, but it’s rather impressive seeing them in a very long list.  As long as it is, this list is abbreviated because I’ve effectively blocked out many of his more heinous crimes.

Anyhow, here it goes:

Toilet Paper,  Taking toilet paper off the roll and threading it through every room of the house without breaking it takes true skill.  Walter is a toilet paper genius.

Toilet Bowl Cleaner.  I have no idea why.

Leveling feet for the washing machine.  You know the things that are like big bolts that can be screwed in to make the washer level.  Yes, he ate those.

Orchids x 10?   I’ve already lost count.  Walter is a very experienced orchid-eater.

Houseplants  Many, Many more in addition to the orchids.  Maybe he thinks he needs more vegetation in his diet.  Speaking of which…

Virginia Creeper.  This vine covers his kennel fence completely.  Or at least it did until he managed to tear a bunch of it down and consume it.  Grapes are poison for dogs.  Since Virginia Creeper is a cousin of the grape, it was very bad.  I actually thought I might lose him.  But I should have known that he would pull through.  I swear he’s indestructible.

Lightbulb packaging. Disconcertingly, the bulbs were never found.

My Journal…there are no words.  Well, there were words in the journal before he decimated it, but there are no words to express how I felt about this one.  I didn’t take it well.

Knives.  Now before you get all worried, he did not cut him himself, he merely chewed the handles off.  He has now de-handled a set of four and he’s eying my other set.

Scouring pads. He particularly liked to steal and chew the plastic one I use to clean his water bowl…I must admit it’s in the shape of a dog bone, so I “might” give him a pass on this one.

Pens and Pencils.  Oh, so many pens, pencils; and other pen and pencil-shaped things that he has deinked!  They are truly innumerable.  He chewed so many markers till the ink bled that my old sofa was psychedelic!

Crayons.  Yes, he ate crayons.  Bill said he was pooping rainbows for a couple of days.  Perhaps he was trying to become a unicorn.

My previous sofa.  Thank goodness it was old and had already been through three puppies.  However, before Walter, it was pretty much intact.  Most puppies chew a small bit of the cushion.  Not Walter.  He would chew a BIG hole in the fabric and then proceed to rip the stuffing out!  Great Danes apparently suffer from EBS more than most other breeds.  Exploding Bed Syndrome is a real thing and I suddenly feel better knowing that I’m not the own Dane owner who suffers this.   Given enough time, Walter would have turned the sofa into this…

 

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CD cases.  They have always been a favorite.  Poor Cake took the hardest hit. I suppose if you name a band Cake, you really should expect a dog to give your disc a chomp or two.

Cacti.  More than I care to count.  How he has avoided looking like he tangled with a porcupine INSIDE his mouth, I’ll never know.  He feels no pain.

Handsaw.  Recently he chewed the handle of a brand new saw, and then he chewed the cardboard safety guard exposing the very sharp teeth of the saw.  You would think that chewing a saw blade would hurt, but Walter truly must be oblivious to pain because he did it TWICE!

Bananas.  I only mention this one because he adores bananas, and he will go to all lengths to get them.  He eats them whole, skin and all.   He loves them so much that he has snagged them from a shelf seven feet off the ground.  Nothing is safe.

Cat food.  Typical, right?  Not this time.  He took unopened cans and chewed them until the cat food oozed out.  Then he chewed the cans into smaller pieces that were strewn throughout the house.  I am usually barefoot and I was not happy when I stepped on the tin shards.  And I really wasn’t amused when my rug smelled like ‘Salmon Entree’ even after three scrubbings.

Aquarium filter cartridge.  Now you might think that I left it out and he just grabbed it for a little chew.  Oh no, he actually opened the filter and snagged the filter cartridge from the running filter!!  Wet carbon everywhere!  I don’t know how he did it or why.  Walter is inscrutable.

Very dark chocolate.  This is another big no-no for dogs so I “encouraged” him to vomit.  Everything came up foamy…and blue!  Come to find out, he had grabbed a…wait for it…

Steel wool SOS pad!  The mind boggles.