It’s All About The Numbers

Bill buys lottery tickets every once in a while.  Usually, it’s a way to avert a feeling of guilt if he uses a convenience store bathroom.  Now you may be wondering why I would be writing a post about convenience stores and Bill’s bodily functions.  I assure you, I am not.  You see, it was one of those ‘gotta pee lottery tickets’ that reminded me of one of the best pranks ever.

Ages ago I had a boss named Rod who had a great sense of humor.  Rod had the whole office laughing when he told us about a prank he played on his teenage daughter.  It was a weekly ritual for his family to grab the newspaper every Sunday morning and check out the winning lottery numbers.  They might get a number or two, but predictably, never won much.

Apparently, Rod’s daughter was fairly invested in this process.  She was perhaps overly enthusiastic, hoping they would “win big.”  One week they read the numbers, and as usual, they didn’t win anything.  The next week, they checked the newspaper and as Rod’s daughter read off the numbers, she got more and more excited.  Every number matched!  They were going to be millionaires!

Her jubilation was short-lived, however.  After having his bit of fun, her father had to confess that he had rigged the process.  He had gotten a ticket using the very same numbers that had won the week before.  Then he gave his daughter the previous week’s paper.  Of course, the numbers all matched!  She never read the date on the paper and the joke was on her.

I’m not sure if she ever forgave him for that one but we went into gales of laughter as he told his tale.  You know the old idiom ‘a day late and a dollar short?’  In this case it was a week late and many, many dollars short.

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Guest in Jest #28 The Arty Plantsman

Intro: Hello, I am Darren. I blog at The Arty PlantsmanThe blog started out as a botanical art blog but my humour seems to be popular so I have expanded the blog to include more of this, musings on life and mental health etc.

 

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A true story.

Autumn 1990.

Picture a young and reckless Darren, aged 24. He is in the middle of a long night shift, driving a forklift from A to B. The highlight of his night is visiting the toilet. Until the forklift develops a fault:

Darren on phone to factory mechanic: “My forklift is playing up. Can one of you pop over to the pulp warehouse and have a look?”

Mechanic: “Bugger off mate. It is 2 o’clock in the morning and pissing down”

Darren: “The belt is running out of pulp and the whole site will shut in an hour if I can’t use the truck”

Mechanic: “sigh. Is it still running?”

Darren: “well, yes but..”

Mechanic; “Tell you what – bring it round the garage and we will have a look when we’ve had our brew”

Darren: “Oh. OK”

Ten minutes later. Two mechanics sit in the garage office, mugs in hand, when they hear a rumble as a forklift crosses the garage floor and crashes into the rear wall in a cloud of concrete dust.

Darren climbs down from the cab, brushes dust off his overalls and walks away, looking over his shoulder at the two mechanics he says:

“Brakes are fucked”

The Mug Says It All

Some of you know that I’ve been nicknamed The Dragon Queen here on WordPress.  Back when I was a fledgling blogger, a few months back, my friend Nel nominated me for the Liebster Award.  I can’t keep up with awards anymore but back then I was trying to do them right.  I failed.  It’s all Nel’s fault!  She broke the rules first!  Then there were the dragons…lots of dragons.  I don’t know what got into me.  You can see for yourself…

Liebster Award Dragon-style

All of this is leading up to this most wonderful gift I received today from my dearest friend Roda from Growing Self!  Check it out!  It is PERFECT!!  So you all better be believers!

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Guest in Jest Guest and Weekly Request

Yikes, I’m late in getting this out!

 

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guest is  The Arty Plantsman

THIS IS WHERE I START MY SHAMELESS BEGGING:

 

Please join us in our Guest of Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

 

 The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

 

 

The featured image was created by Silas at  My weird, crazy and mundane life Journal 

Guest in Jest #27 M.

This post was submitted quite a while ago by a blogger who has since left the blogging world to spend more time with her family.  M. was my very first Guest in Jest guest and I’m really happy she agreed to let me use this post she sent before she left the blogosphere.

 

Adventures in Discernment

In a  busy lobby of a swanky London hotel,  several groups of  vastly different occupations are gathered,  each at their own tables sipping this cocktail and that £300 scotch or that new trendy hipster “not-tail” (It’s a cocktail? But it isn’t?  You know?)

There are a few conventions going on here this weekend,  physicists , business men, elitist groups of who-knows -what-they-do-but-they’re-insanely-rich.

The usual.

At the hotel bar in the swanky hotel lobby sits a stunning, breath-takingly beautiful woman.
Blonde,  full lips, almond eyes, an air of mystery…er…floating around her. You know the type. The type other women hate on sight and the type men tell their mates they’ve chatted up when in reality, are terrified to even step within her small circumference of space.

So. She’s minding her own business,  tip-tap-tapping on her phone.
One of the physicists bunch looks over at her.

He’s mesmerised.

He is, however a massive arsehole.

All his friends and co-workers think so but he’s a rare combination of a formidable scientific mind, incredible Alpha Male good looks and prowess, the body of someone who spends far too long at the gym and the allure to women of prosecco flavoured chocolates.
No one could stand him but everyone fawned over him. Get the type?  Right. Moving on.

He was, in a word, irresistible.
But an arsehole nevertheless.

He downs his pretentious, insanely expensive drink, and with a quick (probably unnecessary ) running of the hand through his thick , dark locks, he swaggers over to the gorgeous, unsuspecting creature at the bar.

On his short walk there he thinks, I’m not particularly interested in getting her into bed (I mean,  it’s  BOUND to happen) I just want to mess around with her head a bit. She’s probably as thick as two planks (you know, dumb)

He slides into the seat beside her. Leans one elbow on the bar and says,

“Good evening. Can I get you a drink and a little stimulating conversation? ”

Stimulating. What an arse.

She flips her hair around and looks at him. Wow. He’s gorgeous. She has a little time, why bloody not.

“Why not?  What was this stimulation you had in mind?” She asks, coyly peering over her drink as she finishes the last drop gracefully.

He’s feeling smug.

“I thought you might want to talk about the recent advances in thought regarding the question as to where astrophysical neutrinos come from, being that extremely high energy neutrinos are predicted to result from the collisions of cosmic rays with photons in the Cosmic Microwave Background radiation that pervades the universe.
And then perhaps we can impossibly link that  to the attempt at proving mathematically that gauge theories with spontaneous symmetry are renormalisable?”

What a prick.

He sits back self satisfied. Sips his scotch and licks his lips at her. (At her? How does someone even do that?)

She looks him up and down. Sighs internally and takes her tiny drink straw, seductively playing it around her tongue.

He looks at his watch. Crap. Almost time for the keynote speech.

“Listen,” he says trying to vaguely mask his condescension. “I have an important physics seminar to attend and…”

“I’ll walk with you, ” she says in silky tones.

Never turning down an offer to be seen with the most gorgeous woman in sight, he pseudo-chivalrously helps her dismount her bar stool and takes his first few steps a fraction behind her checking out her…well you know how he is by now..

“You are sooooo clever, ” she states as they saunter like two beautiful gazelles towards the conference room.

Has to be a hooker,  he thinks .

“I am. I really am.” He chortles slightly at his own awesomeness.

“Let me ask you something, ” she says, coyly glancing  his way.

Oh this should be good,  he’s thinking.

“Please do.”

“What shape is deer poo?”

He stops still. What did she just say?

She turns back to see where he is and he quick – jogs two steps to catch up to her.

“I…uh…I don’t…,” am I STAMMERING? He shakes it off.

“Hmmm, and how about cow poo? Do you know the average shape and colour?” she says with utmost severity.

“I mean, I…I suppose…,”

“Mmhmmm, and let’s talk about dog poo, or maybe cat, mouse, lion poo? How about the poo of the extremely rare Northern Hairy Nosed Wombat?” She innocently bats her lashes.

He didn’t even bother trying this time.

“I have no idea.” he finally says, raising his arms in mock surrender.

Just then, he looks down at the belt loop on her skin – tight pencil skirt. A name tag. Oh god. If only I hadn’t been staring elsewhere for the last 10 minutes…he wants to slap his own forhead with his palm. He doesn’t. He swears under his breath, unintelligably.

“Are you…?”

Eleanora Kalona starts to walk into the conference room ready to take her place at the podium to give her much anticipated keynote speech.

His mouth is actually hanging open.

She super -model swerves back towards him and gives him her most bitingly disparaging look.

“Then how do you expect to discuss the intricacies of astro and quantum physics when you don’t know shit?”

Guest in Jest In A Complete Mess

I’m doing a complete facepalm here!

Yesterday I said that our Guest in Jest guest this week was Invisible-No-More.  Apparently, I lied.  Dee Dee tells me that she can’t wait to hear what she’s about to say and now I see that our guest should be Jan from  Joywriting: Everybody Has a Story

This would just be an amusing gaffe had it been the first time I’ve bungled the publishing of Jan’s posts.  I think this is the third time I’ve really messed up.  Jan, I don’t know what it is about your work but I either publish it early, think I’ve published it when I haven’t and now I’ve assigned someone different to your slot!!

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!??  I could blame my epilepsy which is a very nice scapegoat for many of my mental deficiencies, but I think this time it’s subconscious.  You see, Jan has a few posts she wrote in the past that would make an excellent limited series for this blog.  I think it is just fate that we get the whole series here instead of just one.  I’ve sent Jan an email asking if it would be ok to do that, but I think you all should have the opportunity to demand ask nicely that she agree.

In the meantime, I’m going to put out this week’s Guest in Jest using a very funny story submitted by M, the very first blogger featured on Guest in Jest.   M has left the blogosphere to spend more time with her family.  In spite of that, she agreed to let me use a piece she submitted a while back.

 

Guest in Jest and Weekly Request

This week’s  “Guest in Jest” guest is  Invisible-No-More

 

 

THIS IS WHERE I START MY SHAMELESS BEGGING:

 

Please join us in our Guest of Jest series

 

Please submit your guest posts to mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and they will be published in order of submission every Friday here at Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

 

Here are the rules:

Give us some info about your blog.  Make sure to add a link to it.

Write up something amusing.  It doesn’t have to be “laugh out loud” funny, but a bit of humor would be great.

Pictures optional, but encouraged.

The post can be one that has been posted before.

Multiple submissions are encouraged!

 

 The piece can be anything that is humorous.  A story, a recollection, even something as simple as a joke.

 

C’mon, you know you want to!  Why should we have all the fun?

 

 

The featured image was created by Silas at  My weird, crazy and mundane life Journal 

Words Are Fundamental

It was time for breakfast and I was about to unpeel a banana when I spilled my expresso.  This particularly maddened me because the pipes that feed my hot water heater had frozen in the latest cold snap.  I literally had to shut off all of the water in the house while I unthawed them.  No water meant no fresh cup of expresso.  I could care less about most things but you don’t mess with my coffee!  Anyways, for all intensive purposes I was deprived of my caffeine delivery system. Plus, my banana was overripe and that practically made me nauseous.   That’s a whole nother problem, though.  Irregardless, I spent the morning playing with the dogs because I love them to bits and supposably the feeling is vice-a versa.

I like words.  Over the years they have been some of my closest friends.  I have to admit that I’ve been a “user” in the relationship.  I use them to express myself, I use them to influence others, I use them to entertain myself.  Words are fundamental.

Even though English is a living thing, everchanging, I have caught myself and others misusing them dreadfully.  The cringe-worthy paragraph above is a testament to that.  Please don’t think that I’m being a word snob because I’m not.  I use some words and phrases that are undoubtedly considered hideous to the true writers who follow me.  Why you follow me I’ll never know, but I am grateful for it.  I’d also be grateful if you would share some of your word-related pet peeves.