Before you read this little rerun of mine, please be advised that it is all tongue-in-cheek (almost.) When I originally published it about a year ago, some people thought I was serious. Awww c’mon! This is a humor blog for dog’s sake!
It’s been a long winter. The snow is (almost) gone. It’s above freezing (mostly.) Spring is (almost) here!
One of the rites of spring is opening a window for the first time of the season. That might seem like a simple thing…a non-important thing. Nothing could be further from the truth!
After hibernating all winter, it will be nice to get outside. Those of you who know me understand that in “hibernating” I am bear-like in that respect. I do not like to leave the house in the snow and freezing rain. Who wants to get cold? Actually, there are a lot of people who like the cold. They are crazy.
There should be a home for snow-loving crazy people so they can all be with their own kind. Phrases like “oh I love the snow!” and “the cold weather is bracing” need to be removed from my sphere. It just gives me murderous thoughts. I’d like to stab them to death with an icicle!
I have one friend who hates warm weather. He knows who he is. *glares at said friend from afar* Who hates warm weather? I’ll tell you who, skiers! They put on all of their gear and they are ostensibly smiling under that ski mask. I want to hang them with their scarves and play pinata with them using their own ski poles!
When I was a kid, one of my Dad’s favorite pastimes was ice fishing. We didn’t have a shack, we just stood on the ice, in the middle of the lake waiting for the flag to go up. It’s a terrible thing when one wants to push one’s father into an icy hole. He was making me suffer and that big, iron ice chipper was right there and I could just…see what I mean? Murderous thoughts!
In my world, roller skaters and rollerbladers get to live and ice skaters are doomed. I’d slash their little throats with their own skate blades. Of course, they have little throats because they are always perfectly slim. Yet another reason to hate them. Roller skaters are a sturdier lot and rollerbladers love the sun, so they get to live.
Then there are those snowshoers. I have to admit, I really like the old-fashioned snowshoes with the pretty webbing and the bent, wooden frames. They look lovely crisscrossed on the wall of a rustic cabin. Those people who choose to wear them on their feet and go slogging across the terrain are another matter indeed. For them, I wish a snow-covered stream edge would have them up to their knees in cold water. This, of course, would cause them to lose balance and fall and hit their head on a rock. Yet another wonderful winter fatality. Murderous thoughts sustain me.
For those in my life who have survived another winter, I can only say that you are very lucky that I tend to hibernate. My hibernation greatly reduces the possibility of my engineering your frostbitten death. I have one more thing to say to these insane cold-loving people:
HAPPY SPRING SUCKERS!!!