Many years ago I suddenly found myself suffering from a bad case of vertigo.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t move my head at all without getting ‘the swirlies.’  The swirlies felt like being drunk without the fun of drinking.  Dizzy head-spinning frustration consumed my life for weeks.  Unfortunately, this meant I couldn’t drive or work.  It sometimes meant I couldn’t walk into the next room without help.  The ‘swirlies’ made my life a living hell.  Trying to find a cure wasn’t easy, either.

There are a whole lot of remedies for vertigo.  I tried them all.  There were a slew of home remedies.  No relief.  The docs gave me pills.  They didn’t work.  They suggested something called the Epley maneuver.  This consists of lying down and turning your head.  You turn your head 45 degrees and then get up and down.  Lie still and then turn your head 90 degrees and so on.  Up, down, 45 degrees, 90 degrees…it was a veritable geometry lesson.  As I worked my way through the steps, I had a sneaking suspicion that I would end up as an isosceles triangle.  I did do a fair impression of a lopsided octagon, but it didn’t matter because it didn’t work.

I saw more doctors.  They were stymied.  This had gone on for weeks!  Was this going to be my life now?  I was in panic mode.  I was in “I’ll do anything if it will help” mode.  I wasn’t hopeful but I decided to try one last-ditch effort by seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist in the big city.

I walked into the exam room and the doc was older.  A lot older.  He told me he was just temporary and he was doing this rotation as a favor.  He had come out of retirement to “help out.”  I was not encouraged.  All I could think was that this guy was probably old-school and wouldn’t have anything new that might help me.  After all, none of the typical remedies had helped and I was sure I wasn’t going to get anything new from him that the other docs hadn’t tried.  You know, they always say that you can’t judge a book by its cover.  That phrase was certainly true in this case.  I was right in that he didn’t have any fancy cutting-edge technology, but he certainly had a unique solution.  

He asked me what I had tried.  I gave him the list…pills, herbs, the Epley Maneuver, and as soon as I said that, he stopped my recitation.  He said:  “Ok, I want you to try the Epley Maneuver again.”  And with that, I stopped him mid-sentence.  “I told you, it didn’t work.  I tried and tried and it did nothing for me!”  He just smiled and said:  “I want you to try it again but this time I want you to use a vibrator.”  Huh?  “You want me to what!?”  My mouth opened so wide that my chin was on the floor.  How on earth would THAT help!?  He smiled again and said:  “I want you to put the vibrator against your ear when you are doing the Epley maneuver.”  Ohhhh…ok…I guess.  It sounded ludicrous but what could it hurt?  At that point, I would have tried anything.

So I had to find a vibrator.  I figured I’d find one online and it would arrive in a discreetly wrapped package.  Yes, that was my plan.  But fate stepped in.  On the way home, we stopped to get groceries.  As we were headed for the checkout line, we walked past the clearance bin.  I don’t know why I looked but there were these boomerang-shaped things with a tag that boldly announced that they were vibrators!  What!?  Vibrators in a grocery store?  Just at the time I needed one.  On sale!  I’m not sure what possessed me but I picked up all four of them and headed to the checkout aisle.  I figured if this worked, I could do my vibrating Epley Maneuver anywhere in the house.  Plus, if one broke, I would have backups.   I know I wasn’t thinking logically but there they were, when I needed them, and on sale.  Who wouldn’t buy them all?

This serendipitous discovery was made in a local grocery store.  I was in line and had two other people with carts behind me when I noticed that the checkout person was a woman I went to school with.  Any sane person would have gone to another line or put the things back hoping to get them later when there wasn’t a childhood friend working there.  I thought about it, but I was desperate.  I wasn’t going to be deterred, even if it was going to be embarrassing.  My head was swirling and all I wanted was to get back to normal.  I wasn’t going home without those vibrators!  And yes, I know how that sounds, but you know how desperate I was!  Ok, that made it sound worse…I’ll just carry on. 

Finally, it was my turn to pay.  In between the celery and peanut butter, my school chum found four brightly colored, boomerang-shaped objects that sported big red-lettered tags proclaiming they were vibrators.  There was NO way anyone could miss them, or mistake them for something else.  My old friend started to scan them and hesitated for a fraction of a second.  She gave me the quickest of glances and then she looked back down and turned bright red.  Yes, I could have explained, but who would have believed that I was buying a vibrator to cure my vertigo?

It was only after I got home that it occurred to me that scanning one vibrator might have been a little embarrassing considering we were school friends, but scanning four might be a little much.  I’m not sure what went through her mind but I would bet that any scenario she came up with was pretty scandalous, and nowhere near the truth.

The good news is that my vertigo was cured almost overnight.  And now, here I am, the proud owner of four vibrators…and no vertigo.  What’s a woman to do?

42 thoughts on “What’s a Woman to Do?

  1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Only you my friend!!
    I have had to use the Eply maneuver a couple times for the same vertigo problem, but never had to use a vibrator! Like you, I would have to buy one (probably not 4 😳). Fortunately the maneuver always worked for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I almost feel guilty for laughing out loud, as the vertigo must have been horrendous, but the vibrator story is priceless, and you recount it brilliantly (as always). I’ve missed your stories, but you’re back on top form.

    I’m curious as to how the retired doctor had discovered vibrators are a cure for vertigo. It’s like who discovered shark’s liver oil is good for haemorrhoids (and what were they doing?)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for the compliments, my friend. I’m having a hard time remembering any new stories. I’ve used dozens of my most embarrassing ones already! As for the doc and the vibrator I can only surmise that he figured out that a vibrator helped rearrange the little bits of sand in our inner ear that get out of wack when you have vertigo. But I have to say, it was a marvelous solution. I hope you are well, I’ve seen some alarming stats regarding the virus in your neck of the woods. Of course, we aren’t doing too well, either.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, we’re in lockdown again, but due to ease up a little on Tuesday. Not too bad, where we are, but alarming in the urban centres not too far away. News of the vaccines at least gives some light at the end of the tunnel.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m just having a good laugh picturing you leaving the shop with four colorful vibratorsπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚but hey, a woman gotta to do what she gotta do right? And ur vertigo is cured and…..well……you never know when some happy vibrators would come useful 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What’s the buzz? Very funny.

    I get a little dizzy on occasion, It usually passes, but while I have it I feel a bit like a drunkard. Most disconcerting.
    Never heard of the Epley Manoeuvre. I donpt know why I missed the post. This was a tortuous read. I shall definitely try it if/when vertigo strikes again. Or should one do the manoeuvre to get it sorted once and for all?

    Question: Would an ordinary massager (one of those long-handle jobs for sore backs) work just as well?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t see why a long handled massager would work. The trick to the whole thing is to loosen up those little grains in your ear to get them back where they ought to be. Using the massager might upset your religious friends a little less, too. *snort*


      1. I related your tale to my wife and her best friend yesterday over coffee.
        My wife’s friend was almost beside herself with laughter. She also asked me to ask you: ”What was the name of the grocery store?” as she has never seen anything close to a vibrator where she buys her fruit and veg.
        I told her that you didn’t mention the name of the store and I doubt we had one over here in SA.
        In any case, I’m not so sure Romana was being serious with her request. She can be very naughty when the mood takes her!

        Okay, I’ll have a go with the massager next time I feel a bout of vertigo.
        I agree, the principle should be the same, even if the massager is fairly cumbersome to wield.
        Besides, a man going to buy a vibrator is almost guaranteed to attract even more weird looks than those you received; and in answer to all the querulous somewhat disgusted looks I am almost guaranteed to receive I seriously doubt the answer:
        ”It’s okay, I’m going to stick it in my ear,”
        will cut any ice whatsoever!

        Fear not, I shall keep you updated, my dear.


        1. Ah, the Muttley snicker at the end made my day. I’m so pleased your wife and her friend enjoyed my tale. I hadn’t written in a while so it’s nice to know there are still a few hardy souls who pop in to see if I’ve put fingers to keyboard lately. I am especially honored that you reblogged this piece! Thank you so much. I might have to write something else sooner, rather than later.

          To answer Romana’s question, the store’s name is Hannaford’s. And you most certainly don’t have them down there. We barely have them here! It’s a mostly Maine chain that just got gobbled up by some corporation or investment bank or some such. Tell her that I haven’t seen vibrators there either before, or since, that fateful day. Maybe they got them in by mistake. Or maybe the vibrator gods were looking out for me.

          I’ve been thinking about your massager plan and I think I might have a suggestion that would be less unwieldy. Try an electric toothbrush. The base, silly…not the brush! I hear they vibrate and have been used to things other than toothbrushing. The things you learn on TV!


  5. Sometimes the old guys really do know best! Who’d’ve thought it. Brought here by Ark. And thank you for undergoing all that embarrassment. I’ll know what to do the next time I get vertigo, though I know right off I will not find a vibrator in our local UK supermarket!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Isn’t that the very best thing about blogging! The other thing your post reminded me of was a trip to Maine a few years ago, staying in a family cottage near Orchard Beach. The nearest big supermarket had the most fabulous items of the sort never found in UK supermarkets. My sister had forgotten to bring her hairdryer, and found one with hitherto unmet attachments, and we both found pairs of the best off-the-peg reading specs ever invented. I still have mine. Then there were some fantastic long-life batteries. So vertigo-healing vibrators – of course they have them. Also Ark says you mentioned the electric toothbrush alternative. Brilliant. And again many thanks.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Haha, glad to know you’ve visited my state! An just so you will have bragging rights to Ark, the store you visited was probably part of the same chain as mine. It’s not unusual for stores up here to have a rather diverse selection. One country store has a sign that reads: Guns, wedding gowns, and cold beer. That very amusing info is at the top of the gasoline price sign. When all of this virus stuff is over, you will have to come back!

          Liked by 1 person

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