This week’s guests in Jest are 3C Style and LISMORE PAPER
Nightmare at the House of Style
I have to get away from the House of Style.
3C Style is an ok person, I guess. Ever since she picked me up from Linda and Bill’s home, I’ve been eating well and sleeping whenever I wanted. The best part about my holidays at Dominique’s place are the chew toys. Boy, are they ever chewable! Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin shoes – everything I’ve ever wanted to chew on is now just a bark or two away.
Have you ever experienced those gut feelings that you can’t shake even when everything is going perfectly? That’s just the sense I’m getting right now. And you should trust me – I’m a dog. I have waaay better senses than you.
My feelings have manifested themselves into some of the most horrendous nightmares you’d ever want described to you. My goodness, not even the Blinky the Cat chew toy is worth this kind of mental agony.
I just have to compose myself a bit. Ok. This is hard for me to say, so be patient with me.
I feel like 3C Style is fattening me up.
She’s fattening me up, I tell you.
Do I think she eats dog? No, no, nothing like that. But you see – she’s preparing a line of plus size clothing and I’ve seen some of the ads. All of them feature pets. Pets that have been dressed up against their will. Incorrigible vests. Droopy earrings that make all of us look like Snoopy from Charlie Brown. Holiday sweaters that clash with fur colors. Insane nonsense!
It’s humiliating, I tell you. You should see the expressions of these model dogs. And trust me – I’m a dog. I’m waay better at picking up subtle social cues than you.
I had a dream that I was getting fattened up to fit some of these “clothes.”
I was minding my own business one day. I’m taking 3C Style my leash for my morning walk, but she has another idea. She takes me into her bathroom and motions to me to step on the scale. I’m a smart dog, so I do it. Her face lights up.
“Oh! This is wonderful! Walter, I think you’re finally there.”
She leads me into a place in the house that I’ve never really been before – the hidden closets in the back corner of the master bedroom. They’re huge walk-in things. And before you know it, I’m LOCKED IN. I look around. This isn’t a closet with human clothes.
The sweaters have four holes! The earrings are shaped like dog bones! The vests are cut for someone…or some DOG…with a canine spine! And all of these clothes are horrendously out of season! And then I saw it. An ad of me dressed-up with weird bling bling accessories. I can’t stand it. And I won’t stay here!
See for yourself…
I wake up every morning now in a cold sweat. The good part about it is that 3C Style has been mentioning to Linda that I look sick and am losing weight. Linda is coming to get me back home tomorrow.
Losing weight. Well, if it keeps me out of that closet in the back room of the House of Style…
Note: We assure you that no harm was done to Walter. The accessories were put on him digitally.
Text by Dominique Nancy, 3C Style, and artwork by Lisa Lawrence, Lismore Paper