Around this time of year, I tend to go into a rant about cold weather and snow. I lament the fact that the days are short, the temps are low and there is just too much of the white stuff swirling around. You might think that I would spare you the pain of hearing the same thing I spew every winter. You might think that, but you would be wrong. This is going to be a good and proper rant. I’m unhappy and I’m taking you right along with me.
Tonight we are going to get a foot of snow. That’s the minimum. Maybe up to two feet. I know, I know…yes, I live in Maine. Yes, Maine is a very cold place in the winter. Yes, we get a lot of snow here. That’s what Maine does, and it does it exceedingly well. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. It certainly doesn’t mean that I won’t complain about it. That’s what I do exceedingly well.
I have this theory about Snow. It’s out to get me…and it knows where I live. It knows that I reside in a cold climate and because of that, it has free rein to depress me. Come to think of it, Snow is the ultimate bully. Maybe it has anger management or self-esteem issues, I don’t know. Whatever the reason, Snow thinks it’s cool to make me miserable. Yes, I know that was an unintentional pun, but if you know what’s good for you, you’re just going to pretend it never happened.
They say that the Inuit people have a bunch of words for snow. I should probably Google it and tell you the exact number but I’m in a ranty mood and I just don’t want to. Suffice it to say they have a lot of them. I have one word for Snow. Snow, are you listening? DON’T! Just don’t. Just.don’t.snow. I don’t want squalls or blizzards or freezing rain or fresh powder. I don’t want slush or snowball snow or snow that makes for “good sleddin'” Snow, are you hearing me? Just don’t!
I realize that if I wanted to, I could be all talented and make all of those snow words into a Dr. Seuss kind of thing to make you smile. Too bad. I’m too peeved for that. No Dr. Seuss for you! I’m not going to make clever wordplay or attempt to wow you with my non-existent poetry skills. Nope, this isn’t about that. The is a rant, damn it! Rants are not eloquent or articulate. Rants are ranty and you’ll just have to deal with it. If I’m getting nearly two feet of snow, you are going to suffer right along with me.