Please welcome this week’s guest: The Arty Plantsman
Health Warning -Yawning is bad for you.
One Friday night in the late 80s:
We have guests one evening, old school friends, we are meeting them again the next day for an early train to Blackpool.
Anyway. Much wine is consumed and we are all rather tipsy by the time our friends set off home at midnight. I decide coffee is in order so fill the kettle. I yawn during the process and:
CLICK! My jaw dislocates under my right ear. I can not close my mouth or get the jaw back in and it is pointing off to the left at a rather jaunty angle.
Being drunk I initially think this hilarious of course. Then the pain from the stretched muscles and tendons starts. We are both too drunk to drive to the hospital so call a taxi.
Club closing time on Friday night, high demand for taxis. We wait almost an hour. I am seriously hurting by this time. The taxi takes us straight to the hospital.
The A&E (ER) doctor tries to push the jaw back in.
A nurse tries.
They inject me with muscle relaxants and both try again.
Then at 2:30 am they hit upon the idea of calling a dentist as this quite often happens when people open wide in the dentist chair.
3 am. I am slouched in a chair facing the door, both drunk and now full of muscle relaxants – picture a four-limbed jellyfish. The door slides open and this huge woman walks in. Apparently she is the dentist (presumably she is a shotputter for the Soviet Olympic team in her spare time). She approaches me with a determined expression.
I try to sink into my seat or beg for mercy (“take me home Susan, I can live with the dislocation, honest, just don’t let her near me”). Unfortunately it comes out as “wurblewurblewurble”.
The dentist puts one thumb in my mouth and puts the jaw back in a second with hardly any effort at all!
4am. We get home and fall into bed.
7am. We meet our friends at the railway station. They look at us askance and announce that we look like we have the worst hangover EVER.
To this day I hold my jaw with my hand if I yawn!